Unexcusable behavior

A real celebrity.

So as Americans we all have an insatiable love for other people’s lives, right?

Celebrities and the glamorous lives of celebrities have been fueling our social desires for decades ever since we realized someone who can say a few lines in front of a camera was different somehow we have been worshiping them. Maybe it’s because they have cute hair or we like the shape of their bosom, but celebrities always make the news when more important things are happening.

How often have you heard the news discussing a lethal stabbing at a McDonald’s before being interrupted by the news person telling you how much weight Jessica Simpson put on since last we saw her?

How much traffic do websites like Perez Hilton get daily? Blogs that discuss the lives, both professional and private of people we normal humans will never meet?

With this knowledge fresh on our minds, I must turn your attention to the fact that celebrities even have personal lives. We treat them like gods, they darn well should act like gods.

A mother taking her multiracial children out for a walk on a sunny day is the exact opposite of godlike behavior.

I want my Angelina Jolie and Jessica Alba to be flying around on golden chariots through the air. Not going to the beach to enjoy an afternoon with friends and family. I want to see William Shatner punching aliens as he sips lemonade straight from the skull of a former victim. I do not by any means want to see him golfing with his buddies, don’t even think about minding your own business Shatner, because as an American celebrity it is your duty, your responsibility to the people to be in character at all times.

There is a new trend with celebrities such as The Jonas Brothers who are pitched to the unthinking masses of fourteen year old girls that says they are normal teenage boys with normal teenage problems and urges. Sure, they hate their parents because they aren’t allowed to go to Monica’s pool party, just like you would in the same situation. However, as celebrities, I expect better from them. I want my gods to be womanizing and seductive. I want to be able to look up to the demigods of the show business and see that they are doing something no normal human can do. Gene Simmons from KISS very clearly demonstrated this during and even after his career as a rock star.

The pinnacle of celebritydom, scandal and babes.

So a final message to you celebrities who I doubt are reading, act like a god if you expect to be treated like one. If not, I’ll just sacrifice my goats to Bollywood.

Note: Turn safe search on when google imaging “celebrities” unless you want to find a lot of porn. Oops.

A scientific inquiry into tomatoes

This particular tomato was left in the fridge next to the uranium for too long.

Tomato soup vs Onion, a classic match up of conflicting soups. Tomato soup comes in many different shapes and textures. Some tomato soups are thicker and chunkier than others due to having actual pieces of tomato in there. Other recipes involve making a watered down tomato paste, anyone who has eaten in a cafeteria is familiar with the latter.

Onion soup as we know it, on the other hand is mostly a broth with some caramelized onions  splashed in. Onions have always been easy to get a hold of, and therefore made onion soups a common dish for lower classes. The recipe is usually very simple and, like tomato soup is easy to prepare and serve.

The key difference between these soups is in the name, the ingredients. Onions are considered a vegetable because they are the bulb of the onion plant. Tomatoes are much sweeter, being the seedbearing fruit of the plant it comes from.

Dislike of onions is incredibly common because they are a bit pungeant and spicy sometimes. The same cannot be said for the sweet juicy flesh of a tomato. Though, there are people that do not like tomatoes at all and others that like tomato products such as ketchup or tomato soup that do not like the actual tomato.

In some cases, such as my own, the person loves one and hates the other. I love onions and eat a lot when I get the chance to. Tomatoes on the other hand are usually found picked out and put aside on my plate if I’m eating something that has large chunks of tomato in it, salsa or marinara, for example. My friend and I decided that perhaps it is possible that liking either one is mutually independent.

So a question to you, faithful reader, which do you prefer? Or maybe even both.

Cruel candy

He also eats nails for breakfast.

M&M’s are great. Candy coated chocolate. The candy coat comes off the chocolate fairly easy if you bite in the right place, and it’s crunchy. Of course one could just pop a bunch and chew them up into a crunchy chocolatey paste.

Excluding the latter method of eating, one can make them last forever by eating just one of them every… five, ten seconds. A great snack, until your teeth start to rot.

There are a few problems I’ve encountered with these though. There are, on occasion, bits of crunchy candy coating that end up not getting chewed all the way. Sometimes staying big chunks of jagged candy. These get lodged uncomfortably in the throat when swallowed sometimes and are impossible to get out until they dissolve on their own. Also related to the sharp edges of the outsides of these crunchy morsels is when they cut the tongue and gums or get stuck in between the gum and the tooth. Incredibly annoying, but a sacrifice one must endure to enjoy the candy. It’s comparable to getting caramel stuck to your teeth when eating a Snickers or something.

However annoying or painful, these problems are bound to happen with the sheer amount of m&m’s consumed in a single sitting. The sweet prize inside is well worth the irritation and blood loss though, so cheers to chocolate, the Emperor’s gift to us all, wrapped in tiny heat resistant packaging.

Japan’s plan to freak out the rest of the world into submission

A toothless grin that would ruin your day and any subsequent days you were planning on having.

Soulless empty wells of dread and terror instead of eyeballs. Notice the word "bomb" in the background.

I mentioned this to several people earlier today, a lot of people will receive it when they log in later.

I was reading an article on Cracked.com when I saw a photograph of one of Japan’s new lifelike robots that they’re working on. I can’t really tell you how freaked out that made me feel. Staring at those deep unseeing, soulless, blue, robotic camera-eyes.

I could picture myself standing face to face with this monstrosity, trembling in fear as it pierced the very essence of my being as it’s rubbery skin flapped when it’s animatronic mouth opened and closed to “talk.”

Some people ask me why I don’t embrace my Asian half (South Korean for those of you who don’t know). I never have to give an explanation, I simply point at Japan. Those people have ruined the Eastern Hemisphere so much that I no longer acknowledge or respect the people from South East Asia.

Everyone West of India is cool though.